I hate being lonely

[lazulite]

I really really do.

*sigh*
well, I'm 21, currently looking for a job that I'm qualified for that pays more than min wage. I only have a high school diploma so that's kind of hard. I have a 2 year old daughter, who looks a lot like Shirly Temple. Plus I'm maried to a Marine.

I got pregnant when I was 18, and married my fiancee a little sooner than planned. I had my daughter when I was 19, so I only finished one semester of community college. Of course I never ended up taking the sat's any way. I went to 3 different high schools, moved around to much. My husband can be very sweet a lot of the time and I'm going to miss him like hell when he goes to okinawa, he might be leaving Dec. 1st instead of January. Thing is, my life really isn't that interesting right now.

~Laz

[lazulite]

My husband works in supply, now one of the things he suplies is chem lights, you know those glowie tube things that you snap and shake?
well, they had a kind there supposed to be phasing out, but they kept getting new shipments, so the sergant or whoever says to just get rid of them, so jason brings three boxes home for halloween.

I gave them to the trick or treaters, to make them more visable, so every single kid in the entire housing came by my house on halloween. And I STILL have some left over.
so we use them at night.

Tonight after dinner (meatloaf, baked potatos, and grean beans, yum!) me and my daughter were watching bravehart (my husband put it in for her while I was in the bathroom) and she's suckin on a lolli out of her halloween candy. After she finished the lolli she started saying that her neck hurt, well this was after a particularly gruesome seen where a guy gets his throut cut, so I figured she was just playing along. After she keeps telling me for a bit longer and starts crying I go upstairs to get the kiddie Tylenol, well just when I find the teaspoon in the kitchen to dose her, she :Puke: :Puke: all over the floor. Well we're out of paper towels, so while I'm cleaning her up, my husband throws some dish rags on the mess and goes back to the 'puter. Meanwhile I'm washing her, getting her a glass of water doseing her and then I start to get her in her pj's, realise what he's been doing, and ask him to finish getting her snuggly on whilst I pee. So then I mop up the mess (parshaly chewed grean beans) he left and 409 the floor. I get the comp finally when he crashes at nine, an hour after he said he would.



And he wonders why I'm on it for 3 hours durring the day?
When he's on from the time he gets home till he goes to bed? He never, ever cuddles with me and the baby instead.



~laz


ps. We dont have cable, we watch movies and dvd's instead... about 15 of which *I* will put on for the baby, and I never get the house to myself without her, its ben forever since I watched Rocky Horror.

[lazulite]

Guess I should say a bit about myself.

grrrr.


Hell. I'm wierd, in one way or another we all are though.


I like reading sci fi and fantasy, I'm not a die hard fan, but I read a lot. I recently discovered Spider Robinson and his Callahan books. I've read all 9 Wheal of Time books, Sara Dougles's Wayfarer Redemption books were great, I'm trying to find old Terry Pratchet books, there not easy to find, and I hate paying retail. I have a hardcover of Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe somewhere. Yes I've read the Pern books. All of them (and near every other series she's done). Also the Sword of Truth books, and the Rune Lords books, I ran out of Mercedies Lackey books at the local libraries. I'm trying to find the direct sequill to 7th Son.I also really like Jane Austin, H.P. Lovecraft, E.A. Poe, and Shakespear( yes I read the plays for fun).

I read a lot.

Lately I've only been reading the newspaper. Thats depressing.

I read hidious amounts of books, and yet I can't spell correctly to save my life.

I'm watching Elmo's world, wild wild west. When is she going to fall asleap?
I'm currently looking for a job, I hate retail, but its where I have the most experiance. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. maybe by the time I'm thirty I'll figure it out.

I like the Clash, the Ramones the Volent Fems, the Doors, Switchblade Simphany, 4 Non Blonds, Aerosmith, Metalica, Weird Al Yankovich, the Greatful Dead, and Bahouse and well, you get the idea, I can even listen to my husbands country music.

Wierd Al was the most entertaining consert I ever went to, and I'm one of the last generation to have actually been to a Greatful Dead consert.


I'm also a wiccan. Earth magic, Goddess and God, that sort of thing.

I'm passionat about a lot of things. I was raised in California, and my politics are somewhat strange. I'm a bleading heart liberal who thinks we need a major reduction in goverment.

I don't agree with our current war, but I support our troops one hundred percent, maybe because my husband is one of them.


I love my daughter, I'm constantly amazed by the things she does, lately her proficiency at the comp is scary. I got my first comp (I was the first in my family to get one) when I was 12 or so, and it had an old orange and black screan and ran dos.

Azure is growing up with a flat screan moniter optical mouse and Blue's Clues background on her own login name. She's two and knows which buttons to click on to start the comp to play her games. And she fights us over who gets to use the comp already...


There's something wronge with that.


Hmmm, this thing is already longer than I wanted...


Kisses!
~Laz

[lazulite]

Damn Damn Damn Damn


I had already written an entry, about last night and my nieghbor and lack of decent sleep. but my clever little brat crawled under the comp and threw the switch on the surg protecter because she wants to use it.:mad:

Damn.


Oh well. This mourning (diliberat misspelling, as apposed to all the unintentional ones) due to afformentioned lack of sleep, I could not get up very easily, so I told the little one to go watch a movie, while I haul my tired carcaus out of bed. she didn't. When I got down stairs she had turned on the comp, opened her account and started playing her Blues Clues game. She relenquished the computer to me in return for breakfast. Now we're watching Lord of the Rings. This movies is so cool. We both love it, pluse I tend to get some cuddles when the ring wraiths and orcs get screen time.

Can't wait for the next one to come out! :D


This is aboot half the size of the one I had written before.


I really hate that my little one is so clever! Its turribly anoying! She's yelling at the tv, "Frodo where are you, Frodo I love you!"
If I leave chocolate chips on the counter in preperations for cookies, she'll push a chair up and munch them. She claims poop when its nap time in order to delay the inevitable. She still keeps telling me that "Dey gimme cany" and "I scare da lion" and of course "I bumblebee"
She liked halloween.
She's always getting into things and then saying, "I sowy, mommy." and, "I love you." and, "You love me?" afterwords.

I hate that I can't stay mad at her. and when I do get mad, I feal like a rotten parent.

I was grounded for roughly %70 of the time between the age of 5 and the age of 17.


Goddess, the guy that plays Aragorn is hot.


Ah well, yummie movie.

Kissess!
~Laz

[lazulite]

Husbands friend form work who's a single mom is out of a babysitter today, the marine corp won't just let you not come to work because of that, so last night she called to see if I could watch her kids in the emergancy situation. the daughter is 2 and the son is 4, so I'll have 3 kids under 5 in the hous today. (I'm such a sucker!)


its not quite 6 am, and I'm showered and dressed, my husband went to pick up the wm and her kids since her car is out of commishion currently. so the little one is snuggled in jammies on the couch and I'm updating since I wont have time today.
:wishy:

did I mention I only had an hours sleep?

and we're out of coffee.



if he loves me he'll bring me a very big mocha.

if he really loves me he'll remember to make it a triple.


Kisses!

~laz

[lazulite]

well, I managed to keep up with all three little ones. And keep the house clean. And get the girls to take a nap. And take them all to the park. And make spagetty dinner for 3 adults and 3 kids.


The kids only bit each other twice.
All in all, nothing was broken and by the time I went to bed, the house was as clean as it was when I woke up. however my husband never brought me coffee. He doesn't love me.

Well its raining and I need to get dressed. And off of the only phone line.


Kissess!
~Laz

[lazulite]

Yeay! Tomarrow we go to Knotts Berry Farm. Fun with kiddies. Me and lover and monkey, Tulsa and her kiddies, and Jasons psycho friends who's an mp down at mcrd. Lover and Nick (mp boy) have known each other for years. They were Boy Scouts together.

Yesterday was a fun rainy day, I went out and bought truffels.
hmmm. Chocolate.

Today its sunny and we told the monkey that we'd take her to the beach and fly a kite.

I love 96's.



~Laz

oh yeah, lover is husband is jason. monkey is daughter.

[lazulite]

We have no airconditioning in base houseing, consequently most of us leave our windows open often.

Because my husband is a lowly lance corperal, we live in one of the less desirable housing goups.
Our houses are a cross between town houses and apartments, there is no one above us, however there are 8 units to a building. Four of those units are two bedroom and four are one bedroom. The one bedroom units have only one window, upstairs in the bedroom, and a sliding glass door downstairs next to the front door. There are 8 buildings that share our laundry room (there are no washer/dryer hook ups) and our laundry room has 11 washers and 12 dryers.


I went to do laundry today, happily because of the 96 the laundry was nearly empty, and on my way heard a woman enjoying what sounded like a particularly exceptional orgasm.

You go girl, but next time, close the window first.


~Laz


ps. thank you No_Key_Bandit.

[lazulite]

If any one wants to email me, please include lazulite in the subject, hotmail will likely delete it otherwise.

I get way to much junkmail to not delete it automaticaly, but I keep missing emails from people. d'oh.


~Laz.

yes, d'oh is a word, its in the unabridged oxford english dictionary. so neh. (I have no idea if neh is in there)

[lazulite]

Our friend nick the mp, was over, and he makes up cadences for the pt runs. I thought I'd give it a try....


Brainwashing to motovate
think the marine corp's really great

dont know where your life has gone
'cause you pt all day long

girl friend kicked you out of bed
'cause pt shriveled your head.

sound off


huge ass muscles are what we want
to help us get some sweet pink cunt

she told me that it was cool
to pick her up at high school

she was hot and she was fine
she was sixteen, I'm doing time.

sound off




If you want to know what cadence is ask and I'll explain, but I thought this was funny. I don't think Jason will sing it during pt on Wednessday though.


~Laz.

[lazulite]

Knotts was ok, we went with Nick and Jessy because Tulsa couldn't find her id card to get in. the boys went on one ride, I didn't go on any, but I like walking around knotts.


Azure woke up with a cough tho.
I thought it would just be one of these many miner transient colds little ones get, but her temp was up to 103 tonight. I got a hold of a doctor and she's gotten tylenal and its gone down a bit.



We had fajetas for dinner and from scratch devels food cack for desert, because nick mentioned that he would like cake last night.
Devels food is the only kind I've made from scratch (not a mix) but it always comes out well.
Better Homes and Gardens kicks ass.


I've been hanging out with marines to much.


~Laz

[lazulite]

going on a trip today, up to oragan. One 6 hour drive to my dads house, then a rest, one 2 hour drive to my inlaws, switch the baby to there van (it has a tv). then one 8 hour drive to Ashlen.

I'm glad I don't have to drive:D . husband won't let me, because I'd crash.

short post.

~Laz

[lazulite]

well, I couldn't find my vampire source book in storage. wich really sucks because its the special edition, with black leather binding and silver gilt. live action vampire is my own form of improv.
check out http://www.angellisater.net/

I did find my ultimate hitchhikers guide tho! yeah!

my husband and I are having some problems. we don't get along to well living together. and we always seem to hurt each other, alot.


not much to write, no real insperation...

[lazulite]

My husband asked me for a seperation/divorse today.

we're no longer wearing our wedding rings.

I'm going to try really hard not to have sex with him before he leaves for okinawa, and to have a job and a place to move to befor he gets back. I'm not going to fight for custody of our daughter, he's always been a better parent than me. but then, he had better parents. Its just so hard to keep from crying, because I still think that we could have the love, and the happiness we used to. when the money gets better, and we're both less stressed. but he's been to unhappy, and doesn't think he can be happy again with me. and god how it hurts to fail. but all I've ever done is fail. Having my daughter is the best thing I've ever done. And I have no one to talk to. My mom will just ask me what I did to push him away, and my dad will just badmouth him and say I told you so. My dad asked me to consider having an abortion when I told him that I was pregnant. My daughter is the most wonderfull thing in the world, she is so beautifull and intellegent and sweet. she says I love you momy out of nowhere.

I just wish I had someone to cry to. he keeps trying to hold me, and comfort me. it just hurts more. I have no one but him, he's the only one who really knows me, the only one I ever thought I could trust. but when I found out how much he was starting to care for kathy, and when I found out he was asking her if he wasn't married could she fall in love with him, would she want a relationship with him. when he said he didn't know if he wanted to stay mnarried to me. that he loved me but wasn't in love.

god, i didn't know I could hurt this much.


Goodbye.

Lazulite

[lazulite]

can't sleep, don't want to eat. wish I could crash out on the couch with my daughter. I love him. I hate this. I want to become an alchoholic. th only way i can afford to live near my daughter is if I live in my car. he's leaving either dec 1st or jan 11th for okinawa, then I have till june to get my life together, before we file for divorce.


i need to sleep.

[lazulite]

why is it that when you'r soliciting someones thoughts and opinions its only worth a penny? "penny for your thoughts"

but when an unsolisited opinion is being offered its worth is two cents? "if you want my two cents worth..."


I keep bursting into tears, every time I think about me and him.
Almost 5 years ago I asked him "what would you do if I kissed you?"

He still doesn't know.



~Laz

I am a wholly miserable person. it is no less than I deserve for failing at everything in life.

[lazulite]

I'm not crying any more, I just don't let myself think about it right.
I'm kinda in that bitchy state of greif. I made sugar cookies for his works thanksgiving party today. they were going to be cutout cookies, but the betty crocker mix isn't very good for that, even with the extra flower, so I'm going to make my stained glass cookies with the krustys mix. the one you only have to add water too.

I'm not sure that I want to go to his parents for thanks giving. maybe I can just claim sick and stay here, he promises to take the monkey over to moms for a bit for me.

his mom keeps telling him not to trust me. to get it in writing that I wont try to sue for custody. I don't want to face someone who thinks I could be that much of a bitch.


Jasons getting his anthrax vaccine today, a small part of me hopes he dies from it. or atleast gets really sick and miserable.


~Laz

[lazulite]

One thing my husband always hated, and therefor I never did, was show cleavage. now he's divorsing me so he's going to damn well have to get used to other guys looking at my breasts.
I'm not making this easy on him. and I really don't trust him any more, I'm managing not to cry most of the time. I've gotten cynacle again. downright mean. atleast about him. The little blonde haired girl who wakes me up in the mourning can still melt my heart, and I think that she's the only one I'll ever trust with it again. I'm going to be heart broken not living with her. but it is whats best for her. even living hours away is going to be to hard. to not be there to teach her to read, to help her with homework.
I wont be ther to congradulate her on her first A. To take her to balet class, or girl scouts. to hug her when she gets her first period. I'm worried that I'm going to have to live 6 hours away, on the other side of LA. I'm worried that jason will be assigned a permenant duty station on the east coast, or out of the country, and I'm going to have to move and find a job some where else. I'm worried that he's going to marry Kathy, and she'll become the one to shop for bra's with Azure, she'll be the one azure talks to about boys. Kathy can't have children, I'm afraid she'll take my daughter away, like she took my husband. I feal like it might be better if I get myself killed. then I won't be an impediment. I'm not worried that Kathy would be a bad parent to my daughter, I'm worried that she'll be better than me.

but if jason mannaged to get himself killed, then I would get 200,000 dollers in life insurance, and maybe azure would get social security death benifits. and I would get to keep her, and take the 2 years off of work that I would need to get an AA degree. then I could get a good paying job and maybee buy a little 2 bedroom bungalow, with a front and back yard, and we could have a dog, and some cats, and a hammok. and lupins.
If I can't have my husband any more, am I wrong to want an education, financial stability a house and my daughter instead?

I used to dream of a 4 bedroom victorian, ten acers of land, a horse and a son named Trearath to be Azures brother. Now thats never going to happen.

when I need to get my iud removed (when I'm 31) I think I'll get my tubes tyed. It would not be fair to have a second child when I'd think and worrie about Azure ever time I saw it. Besides, I doubt I could ever trust another man to be with me forever, to give my child the child hood I wanted.

My parents divorced when I was 2. they still hate each other.
I really can't hate jason, but I can stop fealing anything for him, and thats what I'm working toward.

he wants to know if I'd take him back after he spends a weekend with her.
I told him, if he didn't make love to her, kiss her, sleep in the same bed as her, or hold her then I might. he can give her a massage, so long as he doesn't see of touch her breasts.

but thats only if he wants me back.
and after that weekend it really is her or me. if he comes back to me he can never talk to or write her again.
if he chooses her, he can never spend time with me again, and he loses the friendship I had promised him when we first met.
but he promised me till death do us part.

~Laz

[lazulite]

Lazulite Halcyon says:
Damn girl I've been missing you!

Lazulite Halcyon says:
you live near that shakespear festival place?

Spider says:
i been having dreams with you in them......you freak me out!!!!i've missed you too

Spider says:
i do?

Lazulite Halcyon says:
do you ?

Spider says:
is it in portland,oregon?

Spider says:
because i live near there.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
the one in ashland?

Spider says:
are you coming up or sothing?

Lazulite Halcyon says:
cause that would really suck.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
I was up ther the weekend befor last and forgot your number.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
remembered about six hours out of home....

Lazulite Halcyon says:
speaking of hubbie, he's put me through hell lately.

Spider says:
they all do.....mine is only acting nice because i may join the mil.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
3 days ago he asked me for a divorce, told me he wasn't happy and he was going to try to have a relationship with kathy.

Spider says:
............................sob.....

Spider says:
i'll break his knee caps for you when i can aford to come down

Lazulite Halcyon says:
then he talks to her today and she say s she's getting back with her ex fiance from a few years ago and now he's all well I'm not going to divorce you any way if you can work harder at getting a job and keeping the house clean and such.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
So I agree like a little bitch, but he promises to ask how my day is more, and try to sqedual more time with just me and him.

Spider says:
why are we married to these people!!!

Lazulite Halcyon says:
but still I feall like shit, because he figures I will always be there to fall back on,

Lazulite Halcyon says:
and I have to fight to keep him!

Lazulite Halcyon says:
wich makes me feal more worthless.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
but I'm going to drag him to family counceling.

Spider says:
i know that feeling

Spider says:
.......if it was me,i would have made him crawl back or not at all,but then again i don't have to worry about a family.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
At least I know he would never talk to her again if I made that a requirement.
Spider says:
....your still letting him talk to her?

Lazulite Halcyon says:
Oh he has his points, I have a lot of things I need to work on. and I really don't want a divorce, atleast not untill I'm financially stable and he's out of the military. because right now I would have to give him full physical custody, and I probably couldn't manage to live around here.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
after a month, I need a month of him not talking to her, and I need to know that me and Azure have prioraty, so if he's talking to her instead of cuddling or talking to me screw him.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
but I know him, and after someone blows him off like that, he doesn't give them a second chance relationship wise.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
thats how I won him from his first girlfriend.

Spider says:
what the hell,i wouldn't care if i had a kid or not,i'd swallow my pride and live with my parents if i had too!!!!

Lazulite Halcyon says:
your paren't might be a little better of an envirement than my parents.

Spider says:
you shouldn't have to worry about it in the first place dammittttt!!!!!!it's not fucking ok!!!

Spider says:
............the last time my dad hit my mom was when i was 14,after that i had enough of her getting drunk,the fights,and all the rest of the crap.i called the cops and made my life change.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
its life, what kills me is that he basical sends her an email that says "good news, I'm divorcing my wife so I can try a relationship with you" Then he talks to her and she's all "I just met my old ex-fiance and I'm trying to get back together with him but I want to be friends with you" then he comes to me and says "I changed my mind about the divorce but I want to know that your going to work harder to make me happy" and I'm all "ok, whatever you say , I just spent 4 days fealling physicaly ill, suffering from severe depression and watching my world fall down around me. but I love you and want to stay with you, will you go to marrage counsling with me?"

Lazulite Halcyon says:
"sure but I don't think it will make any difference with me"

Spider says:
fuck that tiffany,our lives may not have taken the same paths but the self esteem behind them is the same.....it's scary but have a spine dammit.life is hard but you live it day by day and if your husband only wants to be apart of that with you when it's good then your going to go through a huge world of hurt,and your going to drag azure with you.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
thing is through it all he was more loving and sweet to me thn he normally is, he was giving me massages and holding me and telliing me he loved me, I don't know if it was guilt for having hurt me this much, or if he still cares and I'm still not sure if I love him.

Spider says:
.......you've been asking yourself those questions ever since you where pregnant..........family cousiling may be a good idea ,but they are going to sooner or later in therapy tell you to stand up for yourself.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
I would, but I'd lose him. I have more to lose than he does.

Spider says:
you do have more to lose and that's how he contros you.'it's ok if i make plans to leave her because i know she's scared enough to go along with whatever i want.'

Spider says:
i love you to death but i see you two taking the route of my parents,not in the same way but close enough to make it wrong and hurtful.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
I know, and maybe I should start sticking up for myself.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
I think I'll start by telling him that I'm now longer going to simply give up custody of Azur e if we divorce, and I am going to divorce him if soem of my needs aren't met, and one of them is making up for the hell he put me through for the past few days, as well as apologising for it, and not just blaming it all on me.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
I'm not the one who had another man all lined up.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
And you know what, not talking to the manipulative slut who tryed to steal him away is another.

Spider says:
very true girlfriend,i believe if you want to stay with thim family phys. can't hurt,you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells......i doubt being jobless and talking care of the child he helped bring into the world was your life plan.

Spider says:
it's not your fault,stop blaming yourself.

Spider says:
do you feel a little better now?

Lazulite Halcyon says:
yes. I need to go to bed with the little one, I'm thinking of getting an AA degree in library science.

Lazulite Halcyon says:
I always spent a lot of time in libraries, and I like the vibe you get from them. plus I can help peaple with all sorts of stuff, and they get salaries and benifits.

Spider says:
i'll reallly glad to hear that,i love you .keep me posted on your life girlfriend.

Spider says:
sounds hella good.....i've always been good in drugs so i'm going to try to help drugs out the safe way...i'm goint to be a pharmistcist

Lazulite Halcyon says:
thats cool, but I hope you don't dish out the stuff without getting nessasary prescriptions, and no ganking the stuff for yourself.



(me and my best friend Reyna talking on messenger)

~Laz

[lazulite]

Thank you for the pm's.

Gypsy and Sandbag, you are actually both on my subscribed threads. Thank you though.

Well, I finally got an I was an idiot apology. if he keeps telling me that a few more times I'll be happy. we had thanks giving at his parents this year, with a few hours at my moms house to visit befor hand. we woke up at 4:30, got dressed and drove from camp pendelton to san jose. The little one was really good. we went to see Treasure Planet last night. I'm really impressid with the films disney's ben putting out for the past few years, this was the best yet. We didn't bring the little one, my sister and brother in law, and my husbands best friend came with us tho. He's been pretty good to me lately. (husband not ryan)

I need to get my teath fixed, the caps from when I kissed a rock on a hike as a kid and knocked off half of two of my front teath are chiping.
trycare prime is supposed to have something aboute full dentel.


got to go, my mom-in-law invited me to Pete's for lunch before she has to take the dog to the vet.


~Laz

[lazulite]

Yes Sugar-Snit (if you even read this) your journal made me think about and consider librarian as a proffesion. but i did used to spend my whole summer break from school at the library. and exhaust there supply of authors I've heard of.


~Laz

[lazulite]

I have a big list of things to do this weekend and monday.

<ol>
<li>call the insurance company</li>
<li>continue cleaning the house</li>
<li>pick up dvd writables so I can make cristmass presents</li>
<li>pick up engrediance for fudge and other holliday yummies, same reason as above</li>
<li>go forth and find my ultimate hitchhikers guid(I think I left it at payless shoes)</li>
<li>grocery shopping</li>
<li> laundry</li>
<li>the 2 sinks worth of glasses and silver ware that got neglected when I did the baking bowls.</li>
<li>find x-mas tree lots</li>
<li>resist the urge malls give me to buy an electric cattle prod</li>
<li>go to palomar college and explain to them that while my husband has only recently been assigned a permenant duty station in california, I have lived here my entire life (as has he, excepting mos school) and therefor qualify as a fucking resident of the state. </li>
</ol>

Really, it was on the aplication how long you've lived in califonia.

~Lazulite
resolutly refusing that stiff drink she needs.

any one in sothern cali want to take me out and get me drunk?
I need it.

[lazulite]

I don't remember witch journal it was that I read it in, but there's a boy on here with a fetish for women with wings.
while checking out a gothic porn site I saw a nekked chick with wings, so if you read this fetish boy, go here:
http://www.gothicsluts.com/gothic_sluts1.html

you can buy wings at hot topic: www.hottopic.com

if you really want to know how I ended up looking at gothic porn, you can ask, but I have a baby to feed.

~Laz

[lazulite]

we had a good day today.

Have any of you read married miserable guy's journal?
It disturbes me because I can see a bit of myself in his wife.
I too spend a lot of time on the comp, and have trouble remembering to do the little things my husband askes, and keeping the house clean.
I don't just dump her in her room and let her cry at bedtime, If I'm too tired to do the bedtime ritual I let her sleep in bed with me.
When I'm on the comp she's downstairs with me.
or in her kid-proofed room. (and I like sex, alot)

But I do forget to bring jason things at work, or deposit checks.
I was an ADD kid.



He told me that he was still in love with me, but with all the stress about money and my not keeping the house clean it kinda got pushed away.

I can understand that. we had a good day today.
we went out to breakfast, then he bought me some more crystal visions waterglobes frome the san francisco music box company for x-mass, and I bought him some autobot stuff for the car.
then we went home and had wonderfull sex.

Me and the baby are watching the care bear movie.
I like brave heart.

I shouldn't have stayed up till 3 am last nicht downoading musik

~Laz

[lazulite]

my day started out with a leaking shitty diaper, and it hasn't gotten better. I had to do 8 loads of laundry, jason missed shooting expert by one point, wich will bring down his cutting score. hopfully they lower the score for jan. his jan cutting score is only tree points lower than decembers is. if he doesn't pick up corperal in january, he wont for 3 mos. my comp has been screwing up all day. I cant get the dvd burning software to work. I had to do a sink full of dishes, and we spent an hour in wallmart.
we were supposed to be getting x-mas lights, wrapping paper and a tree topper. we left with 7 new dvds. one replacing our vhs copy (princess bride) but the rest were all new. Jason wants entertainment while in okie. I liked UHF, that weird Al movie. The janitor was kramer right?

well, I guess it did get better, now if I could only get the stupid drive to burn. that was the whole point of bying this comp, granted it was a year ago and I'm only trying it now, but do you know how hard it is to find dvd-r?


~Laz

my husband is considering convertion to wicca. yeah!

[lazulite]

I've been reading other's journals....

some thoughts:


Yonphy (spelling?) : Boxers ore breifs? you can pick up brefs that are other than the hanes basic, with the riduculase hatch in the front that you cannot get a mans penis through. of course, to impress a girl with your stylish underwear you need to get to that point. you are a wonderfull catch. and the woman who finally relizes that is going to be very happy. but women are as superficial as men, and good clothes and a confident attitude go a long way for landing that first date. Also, the words a woman most likes to hear: I'm so sorry (that I bumped into you, that you seem to be having a bad day, that your car exploaded....) would you like to talk about it?


Amee the poet, Your dad sounds a hell of a lot like mine, in the angry outbursts, later forgotten. My philosophy on my parents is: with all the mental and emotional anguish they put me through, Any monitary compinsation is well deserved. I know I appreciat my daughter more when I've had considerable time away from her. (she turns 3 in march)

Sugar snit. Damn but I wish I had your life sometimes. You might feal better if you give your ex a swift kick in the ass next time he asks for your help, but your so giving you wont.

Think tank: I've found novels a great escape frome reality, and no after effects, I don't belive that it is morraly wrong to do drugs, however I worrie for the health, sanity and jail prospects of any one who does them. (but then my ex stepdad, the alchoholic wife beater who snorted coke, died at the age of 38 due to an alchoholism induced heart attack.)

Misrably Married Guy: spend time with your wife, away from home and child, doing things you <b>both</b> enjoy, and get her parenting classes.

Gypsy: I wish you all the joy in the world, either with Dodge or without him. You deserve it.


<hr>
These aren't the only Journals I read regularly, I'm addicted to the fall of the house of harold, and don't belive that it is updated neirly fast enough.... I sucked at sims when I tryed playing my little sisters. but then, I didn't know about the rosebud cheat at first.
But most everyone else doesn't compel me to write back.

I'll be the first to admit, there are a bunch of fucked up things in my life, and I really have no qualification to offer unsoliceted advice. However sometimes an outside opinion can help you to look at things in a new way.

<hr>

Now for my exemplary weekend.
Jason took the little one to san jose for the weekend so I got to have fun!
I emptied all the nasty garbages, including the diaper hamper (toxic sludge) and bathrooms. Then I hung out with my deighbor and his friends (my friends too I think)
I had tofu and carrots for dinner (yummie) and listend to different kinds of electronica or trance or watever the hell you call it. its decent music. and Kat (a boy) and Chamelion (another boy, they were all boys) got freaky with glowsticks on strings, way cool looking. good dancers to. I had a small amount of the excelent vodka my husbad picked up, diluted in a larg amount of cranberry juice. and we basically bullshited and hung out till near midnight. also Kat told me how to properly pronounce Einstuerzende Neubauten. (Whom an old ex-boyfriend has played me some albums from, but are nessassary to order in the us.)
Also I begged an invitation to go paintballing the next day, having never gone before.
I went to bed at some time after midnight, and woke up late for the morning set, so I put away a pile of my daughters clothes, washed dishes and mopped a kitchen floor that desperatly needed it. after lunche I headed down to the paintball place. Damn but it wasn't a boys club. It was just like driving to one of my little brothers Motercycle Races. However the whole atmosphere was terribly laidback and cool. I only got hit once after I was out. (yes there were some women, we were just vastly outnumbered) Kat and Chamelion let me borrow guns and a mask paint and I didn't even have to pay, because there friend who was there for the morning took off at lunch.
it was the most fucking fun I've had in a while. I know what I want for X-mass now.

My little brother:<a href="http://www.powerhouseonline.com/index.cfm?id=13875&fuseaction=browse&pageid=79"><img src="http://www.powerhouseonline.com/listing/somogyi1.jpg"></a>


My siblings on my fathers side have good tast in music, my sister on my mothers, well, she liked spice girls and brittney spears, She upgraded to Avri Laven (or however you spell it) recently



I'm watching UHF.
I should go.

~Laz.

there really is no point.

[lazulite]

Yule.

winter solstice is my winter holiday. however, I celibrate X-mass with my husband and daughter. this year will be 23 pound turkey year.

to much UHF.
Weird al is so, cool.
my two year old has learned to say, "Stupid! You So Supid!"

I bought an advent calender yesterday. it was only $.50, and full of chocolate. I got little care shaped chocolates to stuff my husbands and daughters stockings with, and some toys. and candy and two oranges, one for each of them.

Jasons leaving between the 1st and 10th of january. we've been having some problems, but I think it has a lot to do with him leaving again, and for so long.

my daddy's going to end me some train tickets to go visit him.
they still have trains going up and down the coast, and its a wonderful way to travel. the car next to the dining car is a glass observation car, and downstairs is a kids room and snack bar. if you go a long way its neat to get a sleeper car. I'm sure Azure will really enjoy the trip.

Jason took me bowling for the first time in my life last night. it was a lot of fun, especially after 9 it becomes cosmic bowling, with spiffy lights and music and stuff. but we couldn't stay because we brought the little one with us. one of the other guys from jasons work we brought with us broought his little girl too.

I really really suck at that game. I need more practice, but its fun. I do better while reciting, "My cousin Walter..." stories.

I made my husband spend 15 minuts brushing my hair this morning, because it was all knotted and messy from sex last night. pluse I told him that if I grew my hair out long for him he would have to brush it occasionally. this is the longest its ever been in my entire life. the little ones asleep, I should do dishes, but I want hot coco.

I'm going for coco.



~Tiff.

[lazulite]

I HAVE COFFE!!!! COFFE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
coffe. hmmmm coffe good.

I haven't had coffe at home for a while. my inlaws were tired of not having coffe when the visite so the bought me a coffe maker for x-mass. and my mommy got me some warm and fuzzy ugg-type boots. (I wont wear fox fur or any thing, but animals that I eat I will wear the skins of. so leather and sheepskin are ok. )

My sister chesea had the good tast to buy me a tenche dvd. I used to stay up late every sunday I could in san jose to watch robotech, tenche, red dwarf, hitchhikers guide and Dr. Who (which has the most annoying themesong in history)

Sunday was geek night on channel 10.
sometimes they would have anime day, or red dwarf marathons. those were cool. KTEH was the best channel ever. I wish we got it here, I wish we got any tv here. So tenche is my verry first owned anime, unless you count transformers and the ooooolllllllllldddd copie of little mermaid (a pre disney anime that we've had forever. it starts with a history lesson about hans christian anderson and denmark...).
I used to watch it a lot on tv. and rent it occasionally. but I want more. more I tell you.

So I need to go shower and watch Spirited away at the base theater. wooohooo free big screan anime.


Life is spiffie.

hmmmm Turkeypaprikash, turkey burritos, turkey stir-fry.




if you are what you eat....


I need to stop making leftovers.


(if this shows up as an independent thread I opologyse. I suck.)


(but its what I suck that makes me so damn interesting ;))

[lazulite]

(Letter to: Kathleen Lunetta, who claims to be Eliza Dushku.
lunetta_1@msn.com
the women my husband was going to leave me for.)(that I didn't send!!!)

Has my husband wrote to you again? I can't belive the moron still wants to meet you. I told him that he had the choice, he could either stay married to me and never contact you again, or we could divorce, on unfriendly terms and he could be your friend. but belive me if I find out that he's been having conversations with you again, I will make his life hell. and I will get custody of my daughter. I'm the one who's been raising her. I'm the one who stays at home while he goes out with his friends. I'm the one who had to give up working and be a stay at home mom at his request. The wonderful thing about having been with someone for 4 years, is that you know them so well.
(bad things about my husband)
I know jason's deapest darkest secrets. and I still love him, with all my heart. but I will not share him with you. he killed me once. And I die every time I think about you. that he might still be talking to you. I need to medicate myself to leep at night, or I simply can't fall asleap. I'm depressed and frustraited.
even tho, knowing my husband, you have lost any chance with him because after he asked me for a divorce you told him you had a guy in your sights, I cannot help seeing you as a threat to be eleminated. I am upset by my husband, however you I hate. Infact you are the only person that I hate. you spoke to me as if we could be friends, all the while cybering with my husband, speaking to him like a boyfriend. gushing over him, and talking about what you would like to do with him.

I find you a decietful bitch. I hope that you never have the oppertunity to hurt any one as much as you hurt me again.

Jason told me that if it wasn't for you he would never have asked for a divorce in the first place. He also told me that he was hurting the whole time that we were planing it as well, and was very relieved when you told him you had an ex who came backe into your life, because now there was no decision to be made, and he could go back to me.


However now I am even more insecure, because in my heart of hearts I cannot help but worrie that he is only with me until you are free, or someone as desirable as you comes along.

I really don't care if you are or are not eliza dushku. I do care if you lied to jason about that. He HATES being lied to.

I really don't know what porpouse this served. I think I need to go take some nyquill so I can sleep. it is almost 2 in the morning.



Tiffany

(oops, left my full name in)

[lazulite]

dinner tonight. its my birthday on fryday. I aked the husband if he was going to perchase a cake or if I should bake one. I made on for myself before, chocolate chease cake. the little one spent much of today washing her barbies. most all my husbands coworkers will be leaving by the end of the week. no specific dates. not allowed. just about everyone who reads the paper knows that lots of marines are leaving camp pen. the annoying seargent is going too. husbands gets to stay behing, but he'll be one of like 3 guys in a wherehose that will be supplying the three squadrons left behind. untill the reservist come in. but they've been doing 12on/12off, and working saterday. my husbands friend the single mom had no one to watch her kids on saterday, so I steped in. I don't get paid for it, but she always sends food for them and is always greatfull, so I never feal like she's freeloading. pluse its good for the monkey to share her toys. but I need to go make food now. bu bye.

~Laz

[lazulite]

On tuesday the little one went to the scout meeting with my husband, got a concussion and we were in the emergancy room until 4 am. the next few days were spent cleaning up puke. fryday was my birthday, it was ok, jason drove over to vons durring his lunch break and got me a cake and a small boquet of roses. he just pointed at one of the pre made cakes and had them put my name on it.
durring the day me and the little one went to the bowling alley here on base (really cheap) and played bumper bowling (they lift bumpers up in the gutter so there are no gutter balls, and they have a little ramp for the small ones to roll there 6 pound ball down) and the little one kicked my but in the first bame. I'm really really bad at bowling. having only done it twice now.

that night when he got home at 7 he told me to change and get the little ones stuff together, she was staying with his friend from work (the single mom) and we were going out. We ended up going to claim jumper, and the food was good, but it would have been nice if jason wasn't so tired he was falling asleap on my shoulder while wating for a table. we stoped by the movies afterword to see about going to one, but the last showing was at 10:30, so we went back to kirks place to pick up the daughter.
kirk had to work on saterday and didn't have anyone to watch her kids, so I volenteared. so me and the husband and the three little one's went to the neighborhood park grilled hotdogs and had the nasty storebought white cake with rasberry filling. (I hate fruit spreads, jams jellies and such). this would have been nice, if the husband hadn't been in a bad mood.

I asked him on sunday if I could have the snow globe he had bought for me, he was somewhate shagrined for having forgotten and went upstairs to get it. it wasn't wrapped. i couldn't stop crying. then he had to go to work, I brought him dinner at work, and went home. then the little one started playing, jumping from the coffee table to the couch, as I was going to stop her, she jumped onto the glas section in the middle.

she slept throu the 3 stitches last night.

then the husband dose something so sweet this morning. he goes out and gets cake mix and frosting and makes me a chocolate cake (the thought the store bought one was kinda nasty to) and let me sleep in and woke me with the cake and singing happy birthday again.:love: :D


I do love that man.:love: nearly as much as love chocolate. ;)

~laz

[lazulite]

To any one who considers serving there country in the military.

go ahead, do it, just make sure you know what your getting into...


this is a second hand urinal storie.

every day at work the marines have to clean up the wearhouse before they leave, this is called doing a "walkthrough" In the mens bathroom there are flushless urinals, consisting of a basin, and an absorbent urinal cake. Every few weeks, as part of the walkthrough these need to be replaced. this job generally goes to the lowest ranking marine present, of whoever has pissed off the nco in charge lately. a few monthes ago my husband had to do this, and told me how it is accompleshed. with gloves on and lots of paper towels, since the cakes have a tendency to drip.


I don't know what the point is, but I need to go clean up, hubby will be home for lunch soon.

[lazulite]

he asked me for a divorse again.

<rant> <h> not for children</h>


he means to go throught with it this time. my ass is getting kicked to the curb.
he didn't even have the decency to wait until he'd asked me and I've moved out to start talking to kathy again. her yahoo id is angel777_7772000 if anyone wants to do anything maliciouse with it. I think the email obove is still valid too. I already sent her messages with all the deep dark sectrets about jason that I know. I'm gonna be bitter fuckit. my husband asked me for a divorse a week from valentines day, and the fucker doesn't have the decency to sleeep on the couch. never mind that he's keeping our marrage bed (litteraly, it was a wedding gift) and our daughter, he has to tourture me by saying shit like "I'de like it if we could make love one more time." well FUCK YOU. I cant remember the last time you took the time to make love to me. you fucking dick head. You fucked your hand for four goddamn hours on christmass day you twisted pervert, to lollita porn. while I made a huge thanksgiving dinner and watched the daughter that you think I'm not a good enough mother for.

so I spank her when she bites or when her not listening puts her in danger. big deal, most kids get spanked, you got spanked. so I yell if I have to tell her something more than three times. I don't think thats a big deal. I take her to mommy and me preschool. and feild trips to aquariums and bowling. I planned on taking her to ballete when she turns 3. are you going to do that as a single dad or will you be hauling her ass off to vegas every chance you get to see kathy. and taking her to card shops so you can play magic. your going to end up begging me to drive the 6 hourse down here from my dads house to give you a weekend off during every prerelease. well you know what, you drive her up to see me and drop her off. your the one who kicked me out.

Fuck FUck FUCk FUCK I'm pissed at the little bitch whore and my dick sucking husband.

(I already went through denial and depression. he told me last thursday. now I just want to go get laid and hurt his chances with the bitch whore)

I'm done crying like a fucking wreck. any one have a home castraition kit they could send me? prefurably with anestesia for unwilling subjects. I think waking up without balls would be painfull enough. and I dont think I could restrain him enough to leave him conciose durring the prosedure. (much as I'de like to.)

</rant>

atleast there will be some advantages to this. and daddy did say my mustang will be done in a few months. so I don't need to take one of the cars. I just hate him so much for taking all my hopes and dreams and grinding them into dust.
I feel like I have nothing left but anger and sadness. even my daughters hugs are bittersweet.

~Lazulite.

hey yonphy, I'll send you a topless pick soon. I know you wouldn't distribute it.

[lazulite]

I took my daughter to see a movie tonight, that how to lose a guy in ten days. it was funny when she was making his life hell. but the happy ending made me cry. from now on I'm just going to watch movies where shit gets blown up. I dressed up sexy and gothly to take the little one out. now that I have nothing to lose, I can dress in ways jason wouldn't like. but he told me he had a funny thought today... "why didn't she ever dress that way for me?" well I did stupid, but you got all grumpy and bitchy about other men seeing that much cleavage. (I have huge tracts of land)

It occered to me today, that every time I needed him, he wasn't there. on his 21st birthday when I was left home alone with the baby, pucking with a stomach flue, he went out drinking.

when I was pregnant and living with him and his parents. when he told his mom that I was pregnant she said your fucking your life up. and he left me there alone, pukeing every day with morning sickness nearly fainting at work every night 2 hours after closing with no airconditioning in the middle of summer, haveing to relly on bussess and your family for transpertation. you left for one month to go camping at summer camp. northern teir and philmont. while I spent my time miserable and alone, you went camping.

you always did just what you wanted. going to reno, going camping, going to prereleases. you always went where you wanted. never a by your leave.

you were much worse to me than you will admit. :flip:

and at the same time.

Happy Valentines Day Poem 2000

Our love, like a flower started as a bulb,
Soon the bulb slowly opened and I fell in love with you.

The bulb soon after grew into a full fledged rose,
Which all were envious.

Through thick and thin, our love has triumphed,
Just as a rose bush blossoms anew yearly.

This year through our love we are expecting a wonderful present
And we will accept this present with the same love we give each other.

May our hearts grow stronger and our love secure
Through all eternity I am yours.

Love Jason,
Your husband, friend and lover.

February 13, 2000


Missing heart

The rising sun is beautiful with the clouds capturing its rays,
But not nearly as beautiful as you on any given day.

The stars sparkle and gleam on a warm summers night,
But I live for the look in your eyes when I hold you.

Being so far away from my soul is torment,
Yet I know you hold it close to your heart.

Isolation from all whom I love is worse than death itself,
Yet I know I'll pull through, for our love is a bond wich cannot be broken.

Here I sit watching a beautiful array of color changing clouds,
And all I can think on is I'd love to have you in my arms watching them.

I love you Tiffany with all my heart and soul,
You've known this for truth before, and I reiterate it now.

Two months of solitude frome those whom I love,
I will endure, but only out of necessity.

Some say that winning, money, sex, or power are the keys to happiness
But I know that all I need to be happy ... is you!

Your husband,
Jason Robert Varrelmann
10-22-01



but then, more recently for her:

What Could Be (for kathy)

Desperate for love, romance and companionship
Searching for love and warmth

Could I have found her-
the one to fill the void,
Or am I fooling myself yet again.

So much in search of compleation I grabbed the first that came along,
But life delt me an obscure hand.

My heart beats, but for whom,
I know not.

Will the day come when I find my true soulmate,
The one whom fills the hole which exists within me?

Could it be she, the one who exists in fantasy,
Or will reality invade, just as it always has.

I'm sure I could fall for her,
But what would that accomplish.

A heart broken yet again.
And an empty place still not filled.

Trapped in a world thats not fair
And strugling to take that next breath

One day I'll be complete,
And that day I'll be one with the earth.

Oct, 17, 2002 (day after our aniversary)
Jason Varrelmann



I need a lover. I need to be preciouse to someone. more than that, I need to be free, I need to be me. I need to be there for myself. I can trust no one to love me unconditionally, to support me unconditionaly except myself. my daughter will love me yes, but she needs my love and support, and it is very unfair to ask comfort and support from her. I need to be strong for myself and her. I need to get boxes. I need to tell my parents. my dad doesn't like jason, my mom does. I need advice on telling them.

[lazulite]

I didn't sleep at all last night. didn't even go to bed. of course if I had, I would probably be more tired than I am now.

I did some snooping.

Kathleen Marie Lunetta
7580 COUGAR CREEK CIR
LAS VEGAS NV 89123

(702) 897-7180

I'm gonna call her up.

us search says she's 34 years old. that doesn't sound like eliza dushku to me. jason still persists. he wants to go te vegas this weekend. is ok with me. I know she's not who she says she is. and how can he trust any advice she's given him if she lied to him the whole time. he told me that having her to talk to has made divorce easier.

I will get a job, and keep the house clean and take parenting classes. and I will forgive him, if he will just stop this divorce.

We have had so much good together, and we still care so much about each other.

Sting as feyd-rautha is cute in an evil sort of way.

~Tiffany

(and if jason goes through with the divorse I might enjoy some property destruction while visiting my aunts in vegas.)

[lazulite]

she admitted that she lyed. and told jason that she doesn't want him to email or call her again. he seems nearly as upset by this as I am by our divorce. he seems more depressed and upset about her than he is that we're divorsing.

it changes nothing tho, he just said I guess I'll be a single dad for longer.

I don't want to traumatize Azure this way. I'm trying to get him to chainge his mind. he made love to me this morning. I was tired, I hadn't slept. and he started holding me and kisssing my neck.

All I want is someone to hold me in there arms, like I'm precious, to kiss me like I'm sweet, and to treat me like I matter.

but first I need to do something with myself.

I'm glad for the vibraters I got for our aniversary.


~Laz

help, so tired.

[lazulite]

My daughter gave me a valentines card this morning. I bought myself a box of hershies pot o gold truffels. I made the little one a valentines basket. a few types of candy a lip gloss and a video. in a pretty red heart shaped basket.

last year I made my husband one to. it had a funny dice set, on one dice wer different actions"rub my" kiss my" massage my"
and on the other wher parts of the body "neck" "legs" "feet"
it also had a cheap pair of plastick hand cuffs. some candy. and some other stuff.

oh yeah, and "dragon battleing shreck" (tm)
I told him he was my knight in shining armor.

this year, he's no taking me down to the legal to sight te divorce packet. he's giving me an extra week to move out.

he wont even let me touch him.

all I want for valentines is someone to hold me while I cry, and tell me I'm beautiful.




I have no one.

[lazulite]

for valentines I took my date to a fine resturant by the name of mcdonalds, her meal came with a toy and she had fun on the recreational structure after her meal. We then met up with Tulsa Dillon and Sissy, and we all went out to see Daredevel together.

two single moms and three kids.


it was fun, and it was good to have someone to talk to.

Tulsa is a marine, her honey is currently deployed, she wishes she was in kawait too, but she didn't have concreat plans for her little ones, so she stayed behind instead of someone else.

Nothing is official in our divorce yet. most of the resons he's given me are things that happened more than 3 years ago. If I haddn't gotten pregnant our relationship wold have been over a long time ago. I don't think I'll ever get over him. but I'm looking for a place to live, somewhere with cheap rent, and I'm looking for a job.

I prefer something thats not retail or sales. there was an add in the la paper for "telephone actresses" what do you think, should I get a job as a phone sex girl? I have no moral objections to it. I think I'de be capable of it. (so long as all they want is phonesex)

if I can get a place cheap enough, and a job (or two) where I can make atleast 1000 a month I can keep a car. I still get my 500 a month in property payments. I don't smoke or do drugs, I very rarely drink, I should be able to live easily, frugaly, and still manage to give the little ones presents and show her a good time when were together.


I should be ok. in the fall I can start taking some college classes.

I need to take the sat I moved around in high school so much I don't know when I would have taken them.


I'm so tired.


~Tiff.

why couldn't we have stayed on the central coast.

[lazulite]

<a href="http://www.electric-manga.com/">
<img src="http://www.electric-manga.com/holiday/2val7.jpg"></a>



HAPPY FUCKIN VALENTINES, GO MARTER SOMEONE.